Hilarious Like Me

So, whereas we haven’t been on the same continent now for nearly a year, you’ve probably forgotten just how funny I am. Well, fear not, here in Niger no one has forgotten and I’m regarded as a veritable Chris Rock. In fact I’m pretty sure Chris would open up a show for ME if he ever comes out to perform in Matameye.

Here’s a little sample of my material usually represented in dialogue format. Of course you have to imagine that this is all said in my broken Hausa. So to get the real sense of my pinpoint timing and delivery you’ve gotta drop in a whole bunch of grammatical errors, stammers, and misplaced words.

Me: Good morning Malam.
Nigerien Man (NM): Good morning Ismael. See this girl here, do you like her?
Me: Like her? Well, she seems nice I suppose and pretty good at selling kola nuts, but I don’t really know her.
NM: I’ll give her to you. You should get married.
Me: Oh, thank you, but I’m not ready to get married, I’m still a young kid. (uproarious laughter).
NM: YOUNG?!?! How old are you? You have a beard (beards here mean you’re old, and for the record I don’t have a beard I just may not have shaved for 3 days).
Me: I’m 25.
NM: 25!!!! Well that’s old enough. You should get married. Here we get married at 18.
Me: Yeah, we usually get married later.
NM: When are you getting married then?
Me: Well, when I’m done working here I want to go back to school, and maybe then when I’m finished and have found a good job I’ll look for a wife. I’m not in a rush (more laughter).
NM: Seriously though, you’re not gonna wait until you’re 30 are you? Then you’ll be old. There’s lots of girls here. You should get married here in Niger. We’ll find you a pretty one.
Me: I know, there’s lots of pretty girls, but for us Americans we tend to marry girls who are the same age as us and almost all girls who are my age are already married.
NM: Really?!?! (incredulous laughter)
Me: Yeah, I had a girlfriend recently who was a year older than me. (more disbelieving laughter)
NM: I know a girl who just got divorced and you can marry her. Or my friend’s daughter is 22 and not married yet, how about her.
Me: (realizing I’ve been outfoxed) Well, I have a girlfriend at home who I think I’m gonna marry.
NM: That’s OK you can have one here and one there, and when you go home you can take her with you back to America.
Me: It doesn’t work like that for us. We only have one wife and that’s it.
NM: (laughter) ONE WIFE! That’s it?!?! REALLY?!?! OK Ismael, well you should find a girl here but if you can’t then at least let us know when you get married back home.
Me: I definitely will Malam. I’ll keep you posted.

This is Grade A comedy here in Niger. I hope the jokes translated well back to the states… My partner is always changing whether it’s a woman, old El Hadji, young kid, or young girl, with only slight alterations to the dialogue. I’ve had this conversation easily 100 times since coming here.

I’ll end this post hoping my sarcasm hasn’t put anyone off… But this curiosity and questioning about my marriage plans are a constant presence in my experience here for better or worse. And to be clear, no, I haven’t accepted any of these proposals…. but there’s still over a year left…